GCSE Results Day: What Your Child Needs From You When Things Don't Go to Plan

Tomorrow is results day...

For some families, there will be a lot of excitement; there may be relief, celebrations, happy tears and a rather large amount of cake. For others, there may be disappointment, confusion, or a horrible few minutes of staring at a set of grades that simply aren't what was expected. For quite a few families, it will probably be a mixture of all of those things.

Results day can be a strange day. There is a huge amount of emotional weight attached to what is, ultimately, a collection of letters and numbers. Those letters and numbers can open doors, close off particular routes, change plans and, sometimes, mean that a student needs to rethink what happens next. So I'm certainly not going to tell you that grades don't matter, but they also aren't a verdict on your child. And that distinction is particularly important when things don't go according to plan.

Before anything else, help them breathe

If your child is very anxious about results day, there is a temptation to spend the time before getting the results going through every possible scenario; what if you get this? What if you don't get that? What if you miss your offer? What if you get a 4 instead of a 5?

It feels like preparation, but sometimes it is just anxiety trying to find a way to make itself useful.

There is a difference between preparing for the possibility that things might not go as hoped and repeatedly rehearsing every possible disaster.

So, if you can, try to keep things relatively normal. Whatever happens when they open those results, you will work out what happens next afterwards.

This is really important. They don't need to have a five-year plan ready before they know their grades.

When they open the results

If the results are fantastic, celebrate them. Really celebrate them.

They have worked hard and they deserve to feel proud. Take the photos, send the messages, have the cake, tell them how brilliant you think they are.

But I would also try to praise more than just the grades themselves.

"You worked so hard for that."

"You've come such a long way."

"I'm really proud of how you handled everything this year."

Those things matter because we want young people to develop a sense of themselves as someone who can learn, persevere and deal with difficulty; not someone whose value depends upon getting the right answer every time.

And if the results aren't what they wanted, this is where things become a little more complicated...Because the first instinct as a parent is often to try to make the disappointment disappear.

"It's fine!"

"Don't worry!"

"It doesn't matter!"

"You'll be okay!"

I completely understand why we do this. We want to take away their pain.

The problem is that if your child is genuinely devastated, telling them that it doesn't matter probably won't make them feel better - it does matter to them. They may have worked incredibly hard for that grade, imagined themselves going somewhere specific, or spent months worrying about whether they were going to achieve it.

So let them be disappointed.

You can say:

"I know. This isn't what you wanted."

"I can see how upset you are."

"You worked really hard, and I know you were hoping for something different."

You don't have to immediately find the silver lining.

Sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is simply sit with them in the disappointment for a little while.

Try not to make their disappointment about you

This one is difficult, because parents have hopes too.

You've probably spent a lot of time worrying about these exams; you've paid for revision guides, listened to them complain about teachers, driven them places, encouraged them when they wanted to give up, perhaps paid for tutoring, and imagined what their next step might look like. So if you are disappointed, that's understandable.

But do try to give your child a little space before they have to manage your emotions as well as their own.

There is a big difference between saying "I'm really disappointed for you because I know how much you wanted that" and "I'm really disappointed in you."

The first says, I know this mattered to you.

The second can very easily become, You have disappointed me.

And when a young person is already thinking I've failed, that distinction matters enormously.

They need to know that they can fail an exam without becoming a failure.

They need to know that they can disappoint themselves without becoming a disappointment to you.

Be mindful about the story that gets attached to the grade

This is probably one of the biggest things I would encourage parents to look out for tomorrow.

A result is a fact. The meaning we attach to that result is a story.

"I got a 4 in English" is a fact.

"I'm terrible at English" is an interpretation.

"I didn't get the grade I needed" is a fact.

"I'm stupid and everyone else is better than me" is a story.

When we're upset, particularly when we're young and haven't necessarily developed the ability to step back from our thoughts and examine them, those stories can feel completely true.

This is where you can gently help them separate the two.

Not by arguing with them; not by saying "Don't be silly, you're not stupid" and expecting the thought to disappear.

Instead, try asking:

"Okay. What do we actually know right now?"

And then work from there.

Perhaps what you know is that they didn't get the grade they wanted.

That's difficult.

But you don't yet know that they can't improve it.

You don't know that they won't get where they want to go.

You don't know that this result defines their ability.

And you certainly don't know that one set of GCSE results determines the rest of their life.

And then there is the dreaded word: resit

If your child needs to resit a GCSE tomorrow, they may feel like they've been given a label that says failed.

They might feel embarrassed that their friends have moved on while they are doing the subject again. They might feel like they've wasted a year, and they might worry that a resit means they aren't clever enough.

It doesn't.

A resit is another opportunity to demonstrate what they know and what they can do.

It doesn't erase everything they've already learned; it doesn't mean they are incapable of succeeding; and it certainly doesn't mean that their future has suddenly disappeared.

In some cases, the additional time can actually be incredibly valuable. A student approaching a subject again with a little more maturity, a better understanding of the exam, more targeted support and a much clearer idea of where they went wrong can be a very different student from the one who sat the exam the first time.

I'm not suggesting we pretend that a resit is great when a young person is upset about needing one. It may feel rubbish initially.

But rubbish isn't the same thing as disastrous.

There is a huge difference between "This isn't what we wanted" and "Everything is ruined."

The first is a setback, the second is catastrophising.

Tomorrow, your job may simply be helping your child move from the second back towards the first. It's also a good time to remember the saying: comparison is the thief of joy - there is no benefit in comparing themselves to their peers, or even to what could have been.

Don't rush to fix everything

If your child is upset, give them a little time before immediately reaching for the phone, opening college websites and trying to solve their entire future before lunchtime.

There will be practical things that need to happen; sometimes those things will need to happen quite quickly.

But an upset brain isn't necessarily a particularly good problem-solving brain. Let the initial emotion settle. Have something to eat. Go for a walk. Have a cup of tea. Sit in the car for ten minutes if that's what they need.

Then, when they're ready, start asking the practical questions.

What did they get? What did they need?

What options are available? Is there another route to where they want to go?

Would a resit be appropriate?

You don't have to have all the answers.

You just need to help them get to the point where you can start looking for them together.

And perhaps this is the biggest Mindset-First lesson of all

We talk a lot about resilience as though it means teaching children to be positive all the time; to bounce back, look on the bright side and keep going.

I don't think that's quite it. Sometimes resilience is being able to say: "this really sucks."

And then, eventually: "Okay. What can I do about it?"

Your child doesn't need you to convince them that disappointment isn't disappointing.

They don't need you to tell them that grades don't matter.

They don't need a motivational speech about how everything happens for a reason.

They need to know that you are still there when things don't go according to plan.

That they are still the same person when the grade is lower than they hoped and that changing direction isn't the same as failing. That needing another attempt isn't the same as being incapable, and that you can be disappointed about an outcome without being disappointed in them.

So tomorrow, if you have a child who is celebrating, celebrate with them. If you have a child who is disappointed, sit with them. And if you have a child who is somewhere in between, that's okay too!

And that's where the Mindset-First approach comes in.

Not pretending setbacks don't matter or turning everything into forced positivity, but helping young people understand that a setback is something they can respond to, rather than something that gets to define them.

If resits are something you find you need to explore after tomorrow, don't panic.

There are options, and there is time to work out what the right next step looks like. Sometimes a student simply needs a little more time; sometimes they need a different approach, more targeted support, or someone to help them understand exactly where things went wrong - and that's where I can help if you need me.

Best of luck to everyone tomorrow!

Vee